Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
