Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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