I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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