dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
