the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
