i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize