I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
