there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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