Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
