I CAN MOONWALK!
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
