There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize