The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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