the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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