$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
