So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
