Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
