My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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