I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
