last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
