Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
