Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
