I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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