Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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