I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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