Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
