He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
