I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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