I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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