He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize