Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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