There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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