Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
