disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize