Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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