Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
