Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
