watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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