oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
