hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
