My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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