Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
