On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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