i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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