i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
