Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
