I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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