We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
