I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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