Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
