I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
