I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
