the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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