i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
