ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
