So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
