"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
